Does She Like Me?

There are things that guys typically find confusing about girls. I've been asked so many different questions over the years from guys trying to understand girls and vice versa. Today I’m going to answer 3 dating questions that guys have submitted to me. They all have to do with having enough courage to ask a girl out.

How to Know if a Girl Likes You

Understandably this is an area that causes guys a lot of anxiety. Does she like me? This is something every guy wants to know before they dare make a move.

Here’s a question from Jared. How can you tell if a girl wants to be more than a friend if she doesn't tell you?

You're right, Jared, it can be very difficult to know what someone is feeling about you unless they come right out and tell you. I also understand the fear of not wanting to embarrass yourself (or her) by coming out and asking how she feels toward you. It is very difficult to be vulnerable in a healthy way.

Avoid These Two Ditches

We usually fall into one of two ditches, so to speak, when it comes to being open and vulnerable.

The Ditch of Hiding. This describes the person who keeps everything locked inside. They keep all their feelings and thoughts to themselves, as a kind of emotional self-protection...trusting no one. They are safe, but empty.

The Ditch of Over-Sharing. These people immediately express everything they are feeling. They tend to rush into romantic relationships looking for that romantic high. Their actions often end up driving the other person away.

Emotionally, you want to find yourself somewhere in the middle of the road, far from either ditch. If you have a hint the girl, who is your friend, has deeper affection for you, then take it upon yourself to gently and carefully find out. Start by taking an interest in what's going on with the details of her life and see how she responds. If she seems open about sharing her heart with you, that's a sign of trust. Trust is a valuable quality in any relationship.

Good Questions to Ask

You might also want to tell her about a few things like, I really appreciate you. Spending time with you really means a lot to me. I trust you. See how she responds. Sometimes she will say the very same thing back to you, like, I really appreciate you, too. Your friendship is invaluable to me. If this happens, then you have a good indicator that she's probably feeling some of the same emotions you're feeling.

But friend to friend, I want to warn you: Don't start saying things like, I love you, I can't live without you, I need you, or Why don't you text me more. These kinds of words are very emotionally explosive and threatening to a girl. But you will find if you gently, lovingly and openly lead with your own emotions, your friend will in time, respond.

Here's a thought. Why don't you talk with another girl who you can trust, and ask her what you should do? It's always good to get a female's perspective. Take your time with your friend. In the end, given time, the truth always comes out.

Should I Ask a Girl out who Everyone says is “Out of My League”?

We all tend to be persuaded by the opinions of others. Perhaps, to a point we are missing out on a great opportunity.

David asked: I see girls every day I wish I could go out with, but people tell me I don’t have a chance with them. So I don’t know if I should take a risk and overcome my fear and ask out a girl people tell me I don’t have a chance with or if I should play it safe and be miserable?

Thanks for the honesty in your question, David. I have to wonder who these people are that are telling you to not ask out certain girls. Why should you let someone else’s opinion tell you what these girls are thinking? I want to encourage you to be bold and courageous. But let me give you a couple of things to think about first.

Consider what girls find attractive about guys.

Do a little homework before you ask a girl out.  First, learn about what girls find attractive about guys. They love a guy who is confident, courageous, funny, interested in them (but not too interested!), strong, and smart. Women desire a man who will sweep them off their feet and treat them special. You are capable of being and doing all these things.

Find a girl with common interests

It is important to take an interest in girls who you have some things in common with. It is also important how you approach her. Approaching a girl from out of the blue might be a bit too confusing and drive her away. Find some common ground and begin a conversation. Be a good listener. Make her the focus of your conversation. Don’t worry about going out with her until you actually get to know her and discover if she likes spending time with you.

Most guys make the mistake of moving too quickly with a girl. Slow down. She isn’t going anywhere.

In the end, you should never choose to be miserable. Don’t let other people tell you what to do. They may think you’re shooting for the moon, by asking out certain girls, but you can prove to them that it’s never wrong to dream big.

How do you show a girl you care without being creepy?

When you are first telling a girl that you are interested in them, you may be slightly awkward. That is normal. You just don’t want your awkwardness to turn weird.

I think this was the challenge Aaron was facing when he asked: How do I show a girl I care about her, without coming off like a complete creep?

Normal Awkwardness or Stalker

Most guys are driven by their attraction to a girl. When they are, it can be exciting, even exhilarating. But there’s often that underlying fear that they will end up making a fool out of themselves. They can be terrified by the awkward feeling of tripping all over themselves, worried it will cause them to be rejected. However, this is normal awkwardness and can even be endearing.

However, it can turn weird when the girl perceives the guy as lingering a bit too long, standing a bit to close, not being able to make eye contact or spying on her. A girl might think a guy is creepy when he oversteps some personal boundaries and doesn’t appear to respect her space both verbally and physically.

Don’t Appear Desperate

Girls are attracted to guys who act out of quiet confidence, rather than desperation.

Don’t give her presents or tell her you love her before you even know her. Do not come across as desperate to be in a relationship. The less desperate you appear, the better your chances of having a relationship with any girl will be. Be willing to let a relationship happen naturally. Find a point of interest you can connect on. Don’t rush things.

Remember, not every girl is going to be attracted to you. But you don’t need every girl. You just need the one who will love you for who you are. Trust me, she’s out there!

For more questions from guys about dating, check out– Why do Bad Guys Get the Good Girls and other dating questions.

Navigate Dating. Your Questions Answered Here

As you navigate the dating scene, you may have more questions than answers.  We are here to help you make sense of it all. From how to start a dating relationship to what role your friends should play, we’ve got you covered.

How do you get to know someone of the opposite sex?

I believe there’s great value to relationships with the opposite sex, even if you’re simply friends without any of the romantic drama. But there can be things that hold you back from starting these relationships.

Sarah asked: How do you get to know someone of the opposite sex?

Don’t Let Fear Hold You Back

Fear is a powerful emotion. Fear can paralyze you and keep you from going after what you want the most. It can convince you something horrible will happen if you go after what is in your heart. Now, fear that keeps you from the edge of a cliff, or from changing lanes in busy traffic without looking, is a good thing. But fear that keeps you from living the life you desire is not a good thing.

Fear often keeps people from taking the risk of reaching out to become friends with someone of the opposite sex. The core of the issue is often a fear of rejection, thinking once you open up and are vulnerable to any person, then they have the power to either accept or reject you.

Overcoming Fear

To overcome this fear, you need to start from a position of confidence. Not cockiness, but a feeling of confidence in who you are as a person. Many people try to start a relationship with someone because they think it will complete them. It’s not good to think another person will fill in the emptiness inside their heart.

It’s important to know and believe you are worthy of love. And you are! You are loved completely by God. Most people are more deeply loved than they ever realize.

A confident person, who stands up against the fear of rejection, who is willing to reach out to others, will always have plenty of friends of either sex.

Once the Fear is gone…

Once you understand that you are loved and are worthy of love, you can be relaxed around people of the opposite sex because you have nothing to lose. Even if the person you want to get to know rejects you, you can remain confident in knowing you have value!

Once the fear is gone it’s simply a matter of taking an interest in things the other person is interested in, sharing pieces of your life with them, making an effort through kindness to show you are thinking about them, and most importantly, letting time develop the relationship naturally.

Should Friends Control Your Relationships?

This is an important question…do you let your heart, or your friends determine the decisions you make?

John asked: I’m going out with a girl right now, but I like another girl. My girlfriend suspects me, and everyone says that a lot of people will get mad with me if I break up with her. What do I do?

It sounds like you are trying to deal with your true feelings, and not let others tell you what to do. That’s good. Honesty is also very important. So here are some things to consider.

Check your friends’ motives

Sometimes friends are able to see if you’re doing something stupid like getting rid of what they think is a really good girlfriend. Other times, they have their own selfish reasons for you to stay in a certain relationship. It’s good to listen to and weigh the advice of other people but find out why they want you to stay together with your girlfriend. They might have really good reasons, or they might not.

You might feel like you’re trapped in your current relationship, and you’re wondering if there’s a reason to hold on. You should communicate with your current girlfriend about what you’re feeling. Don’t ignore her or just drop her while you fantasize about this new girl. Honesty is always the best policy.

Beware of the Reputation You are Building

It’s also important to consider what kind of reputation you could develop if you start going from one girl to the next. You’ll soon find most girls won’t trust you because you can’t commit because you always jump to the next best thing. A huge part of being in a dating relationship is commitment.

Communicate with your current girlfriend, talk to friends you can trust, and strive to be the most committed, trustworthy boyfriend you can possibly be.

After you’ve made your decision, hold your head high. Only you can answer for you.

How Do You Balance Time with Friends, Family and Dating?

It is always healthy to have many healthy relationships in your life. You never want to focus solely on your dating relationship. But what if your boyfriend or girlfriend doesn’t quite understand your desire to spend time with others?

Sarah asked: I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for almost a year, and I know I love him but at times he just doesn’t seem to understand that I want time for friends and family.

It is a struggle to find a balance between time with the person you love and the other important people in your life. Hopefully, you’ve tried to explain to your boyfriend the importance of having many friends. Your boyfriend needs to understand that it’s easy to suffocate a relationship by demanding the other person always be there just for you. Remember love is not selfish or demanding.

That being said, here are some questions you may want to ask yourself about this issue.

Include Your Boyfriend or Girlfriend in Your Other Relationships

Have you included him in some of these other relationships? Do you ever invite him along when you spend time with family or friends? Or do you want to keep him separate from your interactions with friends and family?

If you aren’t including him, he might feel like you’re embarrassed or ashamed of your relationship. There’s also a possibility that he doesn’t truly know how you feel about him, and he’s trying to get clues from you, based on how you spend your time. If you do generally include him, but just need some “girl” time, he should respect that.

Be Honest with Yourself

Or perhaps you actually don’t want him to be involved in these other relationships. If that’s the case, you need to ask yourself why that is.  If you are seeking to know your boyfriend more fully, and possibly moving toward a much deeper relationship, your friends and family will play an important role in helping you see more clearly if he’s the right guy for you.

But don’t string him along. If you want to keep your relationship with him private, I’d tell him, and explain to him why you feel the way you do. He deserves to know at least that much. Just remember, whoever you choose to spend your life with, you will always face the challenge of giving each other the kind of time, together and apart, each partner needs and deserves.

Conclusion

As you start to develop relationships with the opposite sex, issues will undoubtedly come up. But don’t lose heart, all relationships require a bit of effort and it’s well worth it. Honesty and open communication will go a long way.

And most importantly always remember that a boyfriend or girlfriend will not define you or give you your worth. You are valuable just as you are. A loved child of God.

Friendships are one of life's greatest joys, but what if you find yourself falling in love with your best friend? Here's what you should do.

How to Deal with Family Pressure Between Siblings

Having siblings can bring so much joy and fun to your life. Many siblings grow very close as they grow older and learn how to work through the ups and downs of life together. But sometimes, family pressures can creep into sibling relationships.

Take a look at this message I got recently:

"I love my sister and we rarely fight. But lately I've been frustrated by how my parents seem to see us differently. My sister gets a lot of praise from my parents, and it seems like I either disappoint my parents, or they don't notice the things I do accomplish. Why does it seem like my sibling is always doing better than me? Is there anything I can change to help our relationship, or the relationship with my parents?"

If you can relate to the tension between loving your sibling and wishing your parents were as affirming to you as they were to your brother or sister, I hope these suggestions can help you work through things and gain peace of mind.

Think About Why You Feel Your Sibling is "Better"

When you say or think your sibling "always does better" than you, what does that mean?

• Does it mean your sibling makes better grades, is better at sports or a hobby?
• Does it mean your parents are unkind to you, but that they treat your sibling differently?
• Or perhaps people are always complimenting their personality or appearance, while you don't notice people complimenting you as much? 

Your answer to these questions can point to how to deal with feeling like your sibling is better than you. Sometimes, what your parents' value is different from what you think is important. That can lead to feeling like they don't care about or value your interests as much, if your sibling achieves something they value, or pursues something they have a greater interest in. 
If that's the case, then you're not doing anything wrong, and you can work on changing your perspective, so you don't feel so much pressure to pursue the same things, or have the same strengths, as your sibling. 

Recognize Toxic Behavior for What it Is

Many sibling relationships are very supportive in spite of their differences, and I hope that's the case for you. However, sometimes toxic relationships spring up in our family, and cause the family pressures we feel from day to day. 
I'm truly sorry if you've been harassed by your parents about mistakes, failures, or things you're not as good at as your sibling. And if your sibling has been cruel to you, or your parents are unkind, I'm pained for you. But I hope you are encouraged by these truths:

• Their toxic behavior is not your fault. It is a reflection of what is missing from their life, not yours.
• There are many friendships and family relationships that are healthy and happy. You are not obligated to confide in people who mistreat you, no matter what their relationship to you is. 
• If you've been harmed by a parent or sibling relationship, focus your time and energy on friendships and family relationships that are more nourishing and affirming to you.

Find and Focus on Your Strengths

It may be that your sibling's strengths seem more prominent to you, but you likely have strengths that they don't have. It can be gratifying to release the pressure of perfectionism (which no one can achieve anyway!) to focus on what you already enjoy and are good at. If you think that would make you feel happy and more fulfilled, try exploring those interests and sharing them with others.

Maybe you're good at playing music, while your sibling is good at sports, You can spend time playing and performing music for your family. Or, if you don't feel your family is as supportive as you'd like them to be, you can share video and audio clips with friends and family who are supportive of your pursuits.

If you don't know what your strengths are, it makes sense that you would feel the tension between you and your sibling, if their strengths are more at the forefront. 

Do you need help knowing what your strengths are? You can ask a trusted friend, family member, or mentor who knows you well. You can take a personality assessment or strengths-finder test. There are lots of ways to search for your strengths and trying new things can be a fun way to shift your mind away from the pressure to be perfect and help you focus on having fun and enjoying life.

Think About Your Purpose

As you explore your strengths, it might get you thinking about bigger questions:

• What is my purpose? 
• Why am I interested in what I'm pursuing?
• How do I see myself growing and changing over time?
• Where do I hope to be 5 years from now? 

Thinking about your purpose can be exciting, especially when you think about how you were created with a unique purpose that only you can fulfill in the world. If it helps to think about God, I hope you remember He loves you and has great hopes and plans for your life. Your life can be full of joy, hope, and potential, and the struggles and tensions you're facing won't last forever.

Help Others When You Can 

Helping others and encouraging friends is a great way to step back from family pressures and look outward. What are some ways you can give back to others that are unique to your interests?

• Love animals? You can volunteer at a shelter or your local humane association.
• Good writer? Send a letter to a friend, or a card to someone in the hospital.
• Good cook? Share a meal you made with someone who is overwhelmed or not feeling well.

If you don't feel comfortable talking to family yet, you can talk to a HopeCoach here at TheHopeLine. They're trained to offer mentoring and advice about things like sibling rivalry, tough family relationships, and the pressure to be perfect. They can help you get to the bottom of your feelings, and start working toward a healthier, kinder view of yourself and your accomplishments. Talk to a HopeCoach today about the family pressures you feel. We're here to help and ready to listen.
Serving others is a hopeful, joyful way to live according to your strengths and your purpose. And the sense of satisfaction you get from acts of service can help you feel more confident and at peace in your relationships with your family and your siblings. 

Talk Through It

Talking through relationships can often help us work through tension if we feel like the relationship is otherwise happy and supportive. For example, you could tell your sibling, "Sometimes I feel like mom and dad make a bigger deal out of things you accomplish. Does it seem that way to you, or am I missing something?" 

Or you could let your parents know you need support by saying something like "Hey, mom and dad. I've been feeling like you focus on my brother/sister's achievements more. Can we talk more about my interests? I could really use some encouragement right now." Sometimes just putting words to your feelings and your need for support can make a big difference. 

Have you struggled with self-hatred? Have you ever asked, "How can I learn to love myself?". Here are some ways to start loving yourself. 

 

How to Face the Relationship Challenges Caused by Pornography Use

If someone you look up to is looking at pornography, it's natural to be concerned. Pornography can have a damaging impact on friendships, relationships, and our sense of connection with others. You care about this person, and you value their place in your life. But talking about pornography use is a sensitive conversation to have. It's important to think carefully about your feelings, how prepared you feel, and how to move forward in a way that preserves the relationship. Here are some suggestions for how to think through this challenge in your relationship and move forward in a healthy way.

Consider Why They May Look at Pornography

Sometimes, understanding why someone might be doing something we don't feel comfortable with can help us build more empathy, look at our loved one with more compassion, and talk about our concerns in a kinder way. Here are some reasons the person you look up to may be looking at pornography. They may be:

• Insecure about themselves, their feelings, or their relationships. 
• Uncertain how to express themselves or their feelings to their partner, which may make them feel like they need a private outlet for strong feelings. 
• Experiencing sexual desires or thoughts that they are afraid to talk about for fear of being judged or made fun of
• Fantasizing about the physically “perfect” person who doesn’t exist
• Curious about sex and sexuality 

Does thinking through some of these things help you feel less anxious about talking to the person you care about? When I remember that I'm talking to someone I love and care about, it is easier for me to consider their choices, and their decisions.

Making mistakes is part of being human. And that makes it easier to talk things through.

Acknowledge What You Feel

You might have a range of feelings when you know that someone you look up to is viewing pornography. It's important to explore what you feel about this. When you can acknowledge it to yourself, you can figure out how to manage those feelings in a healthy way. And it may help you feel more prepared to talk to the person you care about, if you feel that's appropriate. Here are some things you might be feeling: 

• Worried: You may feel worried or anxious that pornography use will harm their relationships, or their view of their partner.
• Disappointed: Perhaps they have told you before that they don't believe in using pornography, and you're disappointed to find out they've acted against their views.
• Betrayed: Maybe your loved one has told you that they don't use porn, and that you shouldn't either, so you feel betrayed, and that it is difficult to trust them going forward.

Whatever you're feeling, it may be helpful to write it down, or to talk about it with a counselor, mentor, or someone else you trust. If you do feel compelled to talk to your loved one about pornography use, you'll need to be prepared to tackle that conversation.

Decide if You Want or Need to Talk to Them About It

This is a decision every individual needs to make in their own time and for their own reasons. For example, you may feel more comfortable talking to a friend about their pornography use than if you discovered that your parents or older siblings were looking at porn. You don't have to rush into a conversation about it if that's not something you feel comfortable with. Give yourself time to come to terms with how you feel about it and decide how comfortable you are raising the issue. If you don't feel safe talking about this with them, you don't have to do that.

If you do feel safe and prepared to have a conversation, plan to have it in a place you both feel comfortable, where you both have some privacy. During your time together express your concern and care and do your best to share your feelings without judgment. You could say something like:

"Hey. The other day, I noticed you were looking at pornography. You've mentioned before that you didn't agree with using porn, so I was concerned. Is everything okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"

Opening the door to have a conversation and offering a listening ear is a good first step toward having a kind and compassionate conversation. 

Give Them Time and Space

Once your friend knows you're available if they need you for support, they may need time and space before they're ready to open up. Allow them that time. If you get anxious about how things will turn out, remember that the person you look up to has to be the one to decide change is good. They may have to deal with some consequences of their choices or dig deep to understand what they need. Be patient and hopeful as best you can. With you as a supportive friend, they can find the hope to keep going. 

It can be hard to wait for someone to change, or to realize they need to change a behavior we believe to be harmful. In those times, I think of how patient God is, and how much he has forgiven me for. When I needed time and space to come to terms with things, He continued to love me. 

I hope it helps you to know that God loves this person you care about. During times where you're not sure what to say, or how things will turn out with your friend, you can turn to God for peace of mind. 

Forgive if You Need To

Pornography use can cause relationship challenges, even when it is not between romantic partners. If your loved one's pornography use has left you feeling disappointed, betrayed, angry, worried or hurt, that is natural. Anytime we feel like someone has kept something from us, it can cause us pain. But working on forgiveness is key to preserving and strengthening your relationship. One day at a time, you can remind yourself:

• The person you look up to is a complicated person, and no one is perfect.
• You can forgive someone without being okay with their choices.
• When you forgive someone, you release the weight of payback, and the desire to see someone else hurt because they hurt you.
• As you work on forgiveness, you can ask other people for prayer, support, or encouragement.

Forgiveness is a healing process for you, for the person you look up to, and for other relationships in your life.

Spend Quality Time

Sometimes friends who use porn do so because they feel bored, isolated, or lonely. One of the best ways you can support your friend who has been looking at porn is to spend time together, away from your devices. Going for walks outside, watching your favorite shows and movies, or sharing a meal together can be great ways to reconnect, remember what brought you close in the first place, while helping you and your friend stay away from unhealthy distractions. 

I admire you for wanting to be there for your friend, how much you care about them, and for how much you want to support them. And I'm sure you have questions or feel confused as you try to sort through this. If you feel like you need extra support, you're not alone. TheHopeLine has trained HopeCoaches to offer mentoring to anyone looking to help themselves, or someone they care about, through a difficult time. 

Talk to a HopeCoach today about your loved one using pornography, how it makes you feel, and next steps you can take to find peace and clarity in your life and relationships. We are here for you, and we believe you and your loved one can get through this together.

Check out our partners at XXXchurch.com for help with sex and porn addiction for you or someone you care about.

How to Stop Negative Thoughts

Do you feel like your life has been taken over by stress and negativity? Is this affecting your well-being and your thoughts toward others? The world can be a dark place and if we let it, this darkness can take over our thought patterns. If we don't change these negative thought patterns, they can begin to control our lives, controlling our words and actions, feelings and emotions. They can affect our peace and happiness. This can lead to depression, sadness, anger and self-esteem issues. So how do we reduce the negativity in our lives to get to a place of hope and positivity? We hope these 10 ideas will help you start on the path to overcoming the negativity that may be present in your life.

1. Don't be influenced by other people's negativity. You get to choose your outlook.

2. Spend more time with positive people. 

3. Be the positivity you want to see in the world.

4. Change the way you think. Rather than fixating on what's bad, find things to be grateful for. 

5. Focus on solutions. Don't lose hope and get stuck in the problem.

6. Love whoever is around to be loved. 

7. Show you care. Make a difference in someone else's life and create some good.

8. Accept that life has its ups and downs.

9. Be in the present.

10. Let go and move on.

Do you put yourself down all the time? Want to stop? TheHopeLine created this checklist for 10 ways to increase your self-esteem for a healthier self-image.

Find Help for What You're Going Through

If you are facing a tough issue in your life and could use some guidance and encouragement, chat one-on-one with a Hope Coach. It's free and confidential. Our highly trained Hope Coaches are certified in QPR suicide prevention and no matter what the issue they provide a listening ear, encouragement and guidance. There is no judgment here. Only love. Take the first step and talk about your problems with a caring HopeCoach today.

Ideas for Healthy Anger Management

When we get angry, it can be difficult to control it. Have you ever lashed out in anger? Have you yelled, broken something, or said something you regretted out of anger? These mistakes are part of being human. It can be difficult to manage our strong feelings, especially when we feel hurt, or when we feel like an injustice has been done. 

I've talked to a lot of people about anger throughout my years on my radio show, Dawson McAllister Live. While we each get angry at different times, in different ways, or for different reasons, there is a common thread with all of us. 

We all need a healthy way to talk about and manage our feelings of anger. Here are some suggestions I've gathered for healthy anger management. I hope they help you better understand your anger, and how to feel it without becoming overwhelmed by it, and without letting that lack of control harm you or your relationships.

Understand What Anger Is

Anger is an emotion that can be very powerful and all-consuming. It’s a deep feeling of displeasure, hostility, or antagonism towards someone or something we believe has hurt us. Sometimes, anger brings with it resentment, a desire to get even. Sometimes, anger can make us want to hurt people back and get revenge for the pain they caused us.

Anger is a legitimate feeling and being angry isn't wrong within itself. But it's important to notice that anger is a reaction. Think back to the last thing you were angry about. What were you reacting to? 

• Did you feel hurt, weak, vulnerable, or belittled in some way by someone or something?
• Did you feel like you were treated unfairly, misunderstood, or treated with bad faith?
• Did you feel that you or someone you care about was taken advantage of?

In those moments, the strong, intense feelings of anger might help us feel stronger and more in control. It might help us mask our feelings of hurt and weakness for a while, until we are ready to face them or share them with someone we trust. Understanding the connection of anger to pain can help you find the root of the problem. Understanding the cause of any problem or difficult emotion in our lives can help us feel more able to heal the pain and move forward in our lives and relationships.

Identify What Makes You Angry

A lot of people struggle with anger and a temper. You don't need to feel ashamed or guilty about being angry. Expressing pain is part of being human. But it's important to know what makes you angry so you can deal with the reasons for your anger. If you don’t deal with it, the reactions to your anger will just get worse and worse. It gets easier and easier to overreact if you stuff down your feelings without addressing them. And that ongoing, intense overreaction can spill over into relationships that have nothing to do with the source of your anger, which can end up affecting every area of your life. 

• What makes you angry?
• Where do you feel anger in your body? 
• What other emotions dominate your feelings and thoughts?
• How do you respond when you're angry?
• How would you like to change your response to things that make you angry?

You can't avoid every situation, or every person, that makes you angry. But when you know what makes you angry, you can feel better prepared to manage your expectations. For example, if you get frustrated with one particular friend because they gossip about other people you hang out with, you don't have to respond with the same anger every time you’re with them. If you know their gossip makes you angry, and you know they tend to gossip during lunch break, you can be prepared to sit with another friend, or ask them to talk about something else. Setting boundaries like these will prevent you from getting angry every time. And if you know how and when your anger shows up, you're more likely not to be taken off guard or overwhelmed by it.

Forgive Who You Need to Forgive

Sometimes anger happens because of an isolated event or situation, like someone being rude to you in the grocery store or cutting you off in traffic. It is important not to overreact in those moments of course. But often, the deep anger we feel, the anger that builds in us and takes control of our minds and bodies more readily, weighs us down because we have been unable to forgive someone for hurting us.

Every time we see them, they make us more and more upset. Sometimes, it becomes impossible to feel happy even when they're not around, because the feelings of anger are so strong and dominant.  

Forgiveness can go a long way toward helping us let go of resentment, which makes anger a lot more manageable. Forgiving someone doesn't mean you have to be okay with what they did, nor that you have to act like nothing ever happened between you and the person who upset you. To forgive is to let go of the notion of payback, to believe that payback will not solve anything, and to trust that you will both be better off if you don't get stuck in a cycle of harm and revenge. 

Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to get close to someone. You can decide to forgive by shifting your mindset, and by stopping yourself from thinking of payback and revenge when you think of that person. Practicing forgiveness one day at a time will release the hold of intense anger and will allow space in your mind and heart to think of other people and give your energy to other relationships.

Shift Your Focus

Gratitude can be a good antidote to frustration. Of course, you don't have to be thankful for the harm that makes you angry. But there are likely people and situations in your life that bring you joy. In moments of anger and frustration, what if you shifted your thoughts to things, you are grateful for? What if you were able to remind yourself that not every situation in your life, and not every relationship, is upsetting. There are people you can talk to who will lift your spirits. Reach out to them when you're having a hard time, and don't forget to express your care and gratitude to them for helping you through the ups and downs of life. 

Slow Down

Anger often makes us feel a sense of urgency, like we have to respond right away to the event or the person who upsets us. But often, when we do that, we say and do things we regret. How would your feelings change, and how much would your stress decrease, if you took a moment to slow down when you were upset? In times like this, my faith can be very encouraging. I think of how slow God is to show His anger, and how that's what He calls me too as well. Think about that. 

Even if you're not sure how to feel about God and faith, being slow to anger gives you time to think through the consequences of expressing your anger in an unkind way. It gives you time to breathe deeply and center yourself. And it gives you time to remember that most of the frustrating things we deal with are only temporary. With time, things will change, and we will likely be less frustrated with certain people and situations than we used to.

I know it's not easy to deal with anger on your own. Part of processing your anger in a healthy way is having someone you can talk to about it that you trust. If you want help managing your anger, TheHopeLine has HopeCoaches who are trained to guide people through healthy anger management. 

Talk to a HopeCoach today about what's frustrating you, how to release bitterness and resentment, and how to move forward with greater peace of mind. We are here for you, and we believe things will continue to change and get better.

Forgiving someone who has hurt you could be the greatest challenge of your life, but also the most freeing and healing. Here are 6 steps on how to forgive.

Taking Steps Toward Greater Honesty

Over the years, I've counseled people many times on how to break free from addictive behaviors that harm them and their relationships. If you were to guess what we talked about, you might think of substance abuse, pornography, or self-harm. Those things come up often, but there's another addictive behavior that I hear about in my work, and can be just as destructive to our self-esteem, and our ability to have healthy relationships.

To stop lying and start telling the truth, it's important to understand lying for the addictive behavior it is. Treating it this way, rather than as a simple mistake or personality flaw, will be key in greater honesty. Changing your mindset about lying, and your understanding of the role it plays in your life and relationships, will help you understand how to change the behavior itself, and start living more honestly.

It is hard to stop lying if it's been a pattern in your relationships for a long time. But there is hope to stop, and you can start that journey today. Here are some of the steps and suggestions that have helped people I care about stop lying in the past. I believe they'll help you, too.

Understand the Addictive Cycle of Lying

When and why does lying become an addiction? Like other addictive behaviors, people who lie feel stuck in a harmful cycle. The cycle always starts off with the high that you get from the behavior. In this case, it's an emotional high. 

When you tell a lie, you probably feel a deep, strong sense of relief that you were able to get through a conversation without a painful or difficult truth being discovered. And perhaps the other person doesn't suspect anything yet, so it seems like no harm is done, and that feels even better. 

So, you keep telling lies. But it gets more and more difficult to feel good after lying. The more lies you tell, the harder they are to maintain, and the more stress and anxiety it causes you. So, it becomes less and less satisfying, and you start to feel trapped. Lying may have already led to conflicts, arguments, and broken relationships, but you're so overwhelmed and unsure where to start fixing things that you tell yourself and others, you're fine, or that it’s not a big deal. That only adds to the dishonesty, without relieving any of your emotional pain.

Be Honest with Yourself: Lying Is a Problem

If you feel trapped in a cycle like the one, I described, or if you feel like you're starting to lose control of the lies you've told, it's important to get help for lying as soon as you can. That help and freedom are there, and it can start today. But it has to start with you. You are the only one who can change how truthful you are with yourself and others. That's why it's so important to be honest with yourself:

• How do you feel after you lie?
• How do you feel when someone close to you discovers you haven't been telling the truth?
• How do you feel when you realize it's getting harder to keep track of lies you've told?
• How would you feel if you could be honest with yourself and others? 
• How would your self-esteem and relationships be transformed and strengthened if you started telling the truth?

Answering these questions helps show the damage lying does to relationships. When you truly believe other choices are better and healthier for you, you can start practicing intentional honesty each day by telling the truth, breaking harmful patterns, and setting new expectations in your life and relationships.

Think About Why You Keep Lying

I believe people are kind and caring. Deep in people's hearts is a desire to do the right thing, and to have loving, happy relationships with their friends, their family, and their significant other. And I believe the best about you, too. 

So, I don't think you're lying because you enjoy it, because you don't care about others, or because you think lying is the right thing to do. But there are likely other reasons you lie that are based on deeper needs you have and fears you feel. 

Think about why you're lying. Understanding what drives any behavior we want to change is key to addressing it and stopping it. Here are some of the reasons you might be telling lies, even though you don't want to:

• You feel protected or safer: You might be telling lies because you are afraid of what will happen if you're truthful, so you say something false instead of opening up or being honest.
• You are afraid to disappoint others: Sometimes we let people down, and that can leave us with a deep sense of guilt, or even shame. Is your fear of disappointing others' high expectations keeping you from being honest with them?
• You have broken a promise: If you've broken a promise, it is very difficult to take responsibility for your role in that. When you know a friend, partner, or parent will be deeply disappointed, it may be more tempting to lie.

Tell People When You Aren't Truthful

This is a difficult step, but a necessary one to overcoming lying and breaking free of its grip in your relationships. It's important, when you tell people you haven't been truthful, that you do so clearly and directly. Tell them you haven't been honest, let them know what the truth is, and ask for their forgiveness.

For example:

"I wasn't truthful with you the other day when you asked me if work is going well. I had an argument with my boss and I'm afraid I might lose my job. Please forgive me for lying about that. I will do my best to honest from here on out."

Keep this part of the conversation short and simple. Understand that people will likely be upset but know that their sadness or frustration doesn't mean you did the wrong thing. Many times, when people love and care about us, they are forgiving, even if it takes a bit of time for them to feel comfortable doing so. Give them time and space and let them know you're available when they're ready to talk.

Be Open About Needs and Expectations

If you are lying because you are afraid of what will happen if you tell the truth, you can let people you care about know that you are fearful of letting them down, of opening up, or of frustrating them. Maybe you feel like their expectations of you are unrealistic, or maybe you're worried about their anger. Try telling them how you feel. 

Saying, "I feel a lot of pressure to be perfect and I don't want to let you down, so I don't know what to say when I mess up", or "I'm scared you'll be angry if I make a mistake. Can we talk about it?" will go a lot farther toward strengthening your relationships with people than telling lies will.

Be Patient with Yourself

I am really proud of you for wanting to work on stopping lying, and for wanting to break free of its traps. Even though it's difficult, it's worth it. Honesty will give you a greater sense of confidence and trust in your relationships, and the positive impact of being truthful can really help your self-esteem.

But some days will be hard. It will be tough to come to terms with how lying has harmed your relationships. Don't give up in those moments. Remember you were created for loving, meaningful relationships, and they can be a part of your life, even if getting there is a struggle. If it helps you to think about God, know He forgives us completely. He wants us to start fresh every day with hope and promise. And He puts people in our path who can help us get to a place of greater freedom and truth.

How I Found Hope from Suicidal Thoughts After My Breakup

I went through a bad breakup. I was totally broken and devastated. I am an only child to my parents, however, none of this came to my mind when I was suicidal. I searched for an easy, painless death on Google and found Thehopeline chat. I was skeptical at first...but I finally pressed the chat button on the website.

My HopeCoach Calmed Me Down

A woman spoke to me in a very calming way. First, she calmed me down. Then she knocked some sense into me that gave me a reality check. She gave me some suggestions on how to deal with my problem and I felt good for a moment.

The Words that Stopped Me

Then she proceeded with " I don't know what your faith is but is it okay if I say a small prayer for you?" I said OK. She prayed for me then proceeded with "Don't worry. Life changes but you need to have perseverance. Never give up on this life." Those words stopped me that day and changed my life! There are still a few moments where I feel weak, and I've wanted to give up but let me remind you of this. You need to water yourself to stand straight even under the direct Sun. Take as much water as you need every day.

Someone is Praying for You

Also, now that I told my mom about my suicide attempts, she started praying for people who are suffering from anxiety, depression and other mental illnesses. Remember this! Someone who doesn't even know you by your name is praying for you. She's praying for you everyday day and night. You're blessed to have someone in your life who is praying for you.  Never give up on your life! - Anne

Do You Need Help for a Broken Heart or Suicidal Thoughts?

If you are struggling after a breakup or feeling suicidal, like Anne, you are not alone. We are here to listen and help you with what is going on in your life. Chat online with a HopeCoach for a free, non-judgmental, live chat with a real person.
If you are at the end of your rope, there are suicide hotlines and other resources available at this link – Suicide Help.

Resources for a Broken Heart: 

• Here are some ways to help you get over a bad breakup: 5 Tips for Getting Over a Bad Breakup.
• Counselor's Corner: Watch this video from a licensed counselor on "How do I get over a broken heart?"
• Free eBook from TheHopeLine: Getting Over a Broken Heart 

Resources for Suicidal Thoughts:

• When you have lost hope and believe suicide is the only way out, please try these four ideas. 
• Contact our partner, Centerstone, Crisis Support 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Their Crisis Response Team is highly trained and compassionate. All calls are confidential.

If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, for free confidential, 24/7 help. For a list of crisis centers around the world and additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.

Hate is defined as an “intense, passionate dislike” between people. Individuals can hate other individuals, or groups can form based on their hatred of people they perceive as different from them.

Perhaps you’ve been treated hatefully by someone else, or you’ve seen a friend or family member be treated that way. And perhaps someone has told you that you shouldn’t hate that person back. But how do you do that if you’re still healing from the pain of hatred? Here are some steps you can take to respond to hate with love.

How to Love a Hateful Person

 

1. Understand Why Love is Important

Since hate is such a destructive, toxic force in society and relationships, responding to hate with love is a powerful way to break the cycle of harm and abuse that hatred can often bring with it.

Loving actions often have a way of disarming people. Being treated lovingly by someone from whom they expected hate may surprise them. Maybe your actions will interrupt their plans for more harmful words or behavior. Maybe it will diffuse some of their aggression. Maybe it will help them think about the consequences of continuing to harm someone who has been kind to them for their own emotions, their conscience, or their reputation.

Being loving instead of retaliating also frees you from starting or continuing a cycle of harm. When deciding to love, you are releasing yourself from the rage and bitterness that fuels retaliation and leaving room for healing and growth.

2. Follow the Example of Radically Loving People

Many leaders throughout history have adopted this philosophy and had a great impact on the people around them. If you need inspiration or courage when learning how to respond to hate with love, learn about loving people and follow their example.

• “Whenever you are confronted with an opponent, conquer him with love.” - Mahatma Gandhi
• “Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that.”- Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
• “Love your enemies. Do good to those who hate you. Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you.”- Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount

Aside from historical figures and religious leaders, you can probably find examples to follow in your own life. If someone you admire is a very loving and forgiving person, ask them for help as you try responding to hate with love.

3. Remember: Love Isn’t a Feeling

Many people may bristle at the idea of responding to hate with love because they think to love someone is to have warm, fuzzy feelings about them, or to approve of everything they do. But love isn’t a feeling. Love is a decision you make and an action you take. There are lots of loving things you can do for people who hate you that won’t put you in a position where you have to be okay with what they did or get close to them if you’re not ready or don’t feel safe. Loving someone who hates you could mean doing things like:

• Telling them the truth about how their actions affect others.
• Interrupting or stopping harmful words and behavior when they are happening to someone around you.
• Holding someone accountable for their decision to say and do harmful things. [You can do this with the help of a school administrator, a work supervisor, a guidance counselor, or a peer mediator.]

4. Practice the Golden Rule

You’ve probably heard the Golden Rule before: Treat others the way you would have them treat you.

If you had the choice, you wouldn’t want the person or people doing hurtful things continuing to harm people with their words and actions. While you can’t control their behavior, you do have control over what you do.

Choosing to be loving instead of hateful models how you want to be treated for people around you. It shows others that hate, rage, and bullying aren’t the only options when they’ve been harmed or mistreated. You can have a clear conscience because you aren’t adding to the immense amount of unkindness in the world. You are choosing to make a different kind of impact by changing the world around you for the better.

5. Give Yourself Time

It’s important to give yourself time as you try responding to hate with love. Doing so is a lifelong process, and it doesn’t happen in a straight line. Some days, you’re not going to act in the most loving and forgiving ways toward people who hurt you. That’s okay. No one is perfect.

You don’t have to beat yourself up if you don’t love people exactly how you’d hoped to, and it doesn’t mean nothing you’ve done matters. Just decide you will act in love next time. Instead of thinking “I have to be loving toward everyone who has ever hated me or anyone else”, which will get overwhelming quickly, try breaking it down into choosing acts of love and forgiveness, one day at a time.

6. Get Support from People Who Understand

One of the things to remember if you’re making the decision to respond to hate with love is that it’s not a popular choice. Yes, people share those quotes by Martin Luther King and Gandhi and Jesus all the time. But imitating that kind of radical love is a lot more difficult than sharing their quotes on social media. Not everyone will understand your desire to love people who hate. Some people, meaning well, will try to encourage you to fight fire with fire, or to “give them a taste of their own medicine”. It’s important not to be swayed by that. You’ll need to get support from like-minded people who understand why you want to respond to hate with love, and who respect and support your efforts to do so. When things seem difficult or overwhelming, go to these people for support. That could mean talking to a leader at your faith community, getting advice from a friend or family member who's loving and forgiving nature you admire, or talking to a HopeCoach who is trained to offer guidance on how to love your enemies in a healthy way. Whatever you decide, know you are not alone in this journey. There are many people working to respond to hate with love. And every act of love you attempt will make an impact, even if you can’t see it right away.

Are you struggling with the conflict that is going on in the world? Are you confused about how to respond? Discover the most important question to ask yourself first.

About the Author: Brooks Gibbs is a school psychologist who has spent 20 years helping students of all ages manage their emotions and solve their social problems. His online training videos have been translated into 20 languages and amassed more than 250 million views.